Today I went to Keith's apartment for the last time. I didn't think
I'd feel so emotional. I walked in and immediately wanted to fell apart.
I didn't.
I microwaved some food for myself (that I had brought) and put it in my cooler, then collected the money he left for me, and left.
Right now I am at Halcyon. It is hot. I parked at Whole Foods and sat on the ground and ate the food I microwaved for myself at Keith's. I had also stolen one of Keith's forks but forgot to bring it with me, so I took a plastic fork from WF. I thought a lot.
I walked from Whole Foods through Keith's old neighborhood to get here. There is a cool breeze today which eased the humidity. It was nice to see water in the canal after yesterday's rain.
It is interesting to reflect on the way I used to feel walking through this neighborhood (and other places in Austin) when I first moved here and compare it to how I feel here now. I was at such a pivotal point in life back then (five years ago). I had finally left TM, after wanting to for a year. I was starting (real) college for the first time. I had just discovered Mosaic and loved everything about it and the people there. I was semi-on my own. Everything was shiny and pretty and brilliant and electric.
I've been depressed with dissatisfied with Austin. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted to when I came here. I came to get away from something that was worse. Thankfully, I have gotten better. Soooo much better than I know how to describe. The last 18 months have been hard - crisis after crisis. I've managed them well. I've grown stronger. I've become more patient and adaptable. I've processed old traumas that were lingering in my heart for years and years, causing anxiety and perfectionism and all kinds of inexplicable fear. I've learned to better control my racing thoughts and channel my wild imagination in more healthy, creative ways. I bought a car.
I have a lot to overcome, still, but I'm encouraged by how far I have come.
A lot of my dissatisfaction with Austin lately has come from me constantly comparing it to the Northwest and wishing I was back there. I need to stop doing that. I'm not going to live there for quite some time. I'm not going to move and set myself back financially and emotionally again by putting all that stress on myself. Bellingham is not the land of opportunity financially, either. Austin has everythingthat B-ham has to offer and more (except a beautiful climate and breathtaking landscape, which, unfortunately, will always be a huge disappointing factor about Texas no matter what). I also recently realized that I don't have stay in Texas throughout the entire year. I'm making it my goal to save up enough money to leave next summer, and continue to leave every subsequent summer. It's possible to do with my job if I find a replacement for myself for just the summer months, which I have yet to discuss with my boss (I know he won't like it at first but I think he can warm up to the idea if he understands how much it means to me). Also, if I go back to school or become a teacher, I can leave for summers and get the hell out of the hell that is Texas summer heat. So this plan is sustainable and a way that I can keep myself in Texas for many years to come without being depressed that it isn't Washington. I've always wanted to live in two different places. Now I can start planning and doing it.
Austin is not just the land of opportunity for economic reasons. It's also the land of opportunity for arts. I want to continue to write more and see what sort of creative writing things I can do. I want to start working on music and actually start writing and recording songs. I want to start getting into acting. Eventually I want to study theatre, but I do not know if I will try to do this here or move to the Northwest for that. It's gonna be a long time from now. I'm finally starting to be okay with that. Really.
I mean, I've still got a lot of catching up on Youtube videos to do.
I'm going to take this joblessness (losing my second job) as an opportunity to work on my photography business. I've wanted to make this business more substantial and lucrative (like an actual living) for years, and because of the tumultuous nature of my life since graduating from college, I just haven't really had the chance to. So - This is My Nooooow, Jordin. I'm gonna do it. I might have to go back to being extremely poor for a little while, but I did that twice on purpose for the sake of trying to make my business make it. And if I hadn't moved across the country shortly after both of those times, I could have done it. Just like the plants in my gardens would have grown both times (three times, actually) that I moved across the country shortly after cultivating them.
This time I'm gonna take some time. Water. Nurture. Let it grow.
I microwaved some food for myself (that I had brought) and put it in my cooler, then collected the money he left for me, and left.
Right now I am at Halcyon. It is hot. I parked at Whole Foods and sat on the ground and ate the food I microwaved for myself at Keith's. I had also stolen one of Keith's forks but forgot to bring it with me, so I took a plastic fork from WF. I thought a lot.
I walked from Whole Foods through Keith's old neighborhood to get here. There is a cool breeze today which eased the humidity. It was nice to see water in the canal after yesterday's rain.
It is interesting to reflect on the way I used to feel walking through this neighborhood (and other places in Austin) when I first moved here and compare it to how I feel here now. I was at such a pivotal point in life back then (five years ago). I had finally left TM, after wanting to for a year. I was starting (real) college for the first time. I had just discovered Mosaic and loved everything about it and the people there. I was semi-on my own. Everything was shiny and pretty and brilliant and electric.
I've been depressed with dissatisfied with Austin. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted to when I came here. I came to get away from something that was worse. Thankfully, I have gotten better. Soooo much better than I know how to describe. The last 18 months have been hard - crisis after crisis. I've managed them well. I've grown stronger. I've become more patient and adaptable. I've processed old traumas that were lingering in my heart for years and years, causing anxiety and perfectionism and all kinds of inexplicable fear. I've learned to better control my racing thoughts and channel my wild imagination in more healthy, creative ways. I bought a car.
I have a lot to overcome, still, but I'm encouraged by how far I have come.
A lot of my dissatisfaction with Austin lately has come from me constantly comparing it to the Northwest and wishing I was back there. I need to stop doing that. I'm not going to live there for quite some time. I'm not going to move and set myself back financially and emotionally again by putting all that stress on myself. Bellingham is not the land of opportunity financially, either. Austin has everythingthat B-ham has to offer and more (except a beautiful climate and breathtaking landscape, which, unfortunately, will always be a huge disappointing factor about Texas no matter what). I also recently realized that I don't have stay in Texas throughout the entire year. I'm making it my goal to save up enough money to leave next summer, and continue to leave every subsequent summer. It's possible to do with my job if I find a replacement for myself for just the summer months, which I have yet to discuss with my boss (I know he won't like it at first but I think he can warm up to the idea if he understands how much it means to me). Also, if I go back to school or become a teacher, I can leave for summers and get the hell out of the hell that is Texas summer heat. So this plan is sustainable and a way that I can keep myself in Texas for many years to come without being depressed that it isn't Washington. I've always wanted to live in two different places. Now I can start planning and doing it.
Austin is not just the land of opportunity for economic reasons. It's also the land of opportunity for arts. I want to continue to write more and see what sort of creative writing things I can do. I want to start working on music and actually start writing and recording songs. I want to start getting into acting. Eventually I want to study theatre, but I do not know if I will try to do this here or move to the Northwest for that. It's gonna be a long time from now. I'm finally starting to be okay with that. Really.
I mean, I've still got a lot of catching up on Youtube videos to do.
I'm going to take this joblessness (losing my second job) as an opportunity to work on my photography business. I've wanted to make this business more substantial and lucrative (like an actual living) for years, and because of the tumultuous nature of my life since graduating from college, I just haven't really had the chance to. So - This is My Nooooow, Jordin. I'm gonna do it. I might have to go back to being extremely poor for a little while, but I did that twice on purpose for the sake of trying to make my business make it. And if I hadn't moved across the country shortly after both of those times, I could have done it. Just like the plants in my gardens would have grown both times (three times, actually) that I moved across the country shortly after cultivating them.
This time I'm gonna take some time. Water. Nurture. Let it grow.
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