I like talking to myself

I'm just waiting for the day when I actually might have something to say.

Well, I guess I'll talk a little bit about my life.

I'm grateful to God for lots of things. I feel more joy and comfort and peace than I have ever felt before. I still don't really know what it is that I was put on this earth to do. But I think I've gotten a little closer just by realizing that my existence is not really all that important. Not that it has no value or is insignificant, just that it isn't crucial. I'm not necessary for the world to keep on turning. If I find the words to say or not, it's alright either way. If I write a song or not, it's okay either way. I'm okay. Everyone is okay. The only thing we really need is God and each other's company. We can simply live in this garden and love. We have nothing to be afraid of.


There's nothing to be afraid of.

All the judgments we place on others translates into fear of judgment against ourselves. If we do not forgive one another from the heart and offer to extend mercy to each other for our wrongdoings and offenses and the many ways we wound one another, we will never experience redemptive life. We will not experience love. Not because we aren't welcomed to by the Source of it, but simply because we can't. Christ is the door through which we enter. Christ is mercy. Christ is forgiveness. To live in love is to behave the way He behaves, to take on His way and think the way He thinks. Countering our dark selves - our dark nature. This is what it means to be in the way of salvation. This is where we are near to the kingdom.


Well, I'm starting to feel the relief of this freedom of not taking myself so seriously and just enjoying life. There is so much truth all around me and as an artist I am beginning to experience it more. I still worry...about having enough or not having enough, about being good enough in my own eyes and others'....about looking amazing to everybody else. About being right. It is ridiculous how disproportionate my shallow concerns for myself are to my concerns for my fellow man. I had no clue how many people have died in Japan until about a week ago and I was amazed. Osama Bin Laden was killed yesterday and people have been dying for his sake (and for the sake of motivations of powerful people close to him) for years. We have no idea how connected we are to one another and yet we are feeling the vibrations of a powerful reverberation of the breaking of humanity at the fall of Adam and Eve. Here we are, as if still standing at the tree, asking ourselves, "If I eat of this fruit, will I live or die?"


We are barred from having the fruit of the tree of life in a literal, permanent way, but offered it in silence in the mystery of faith. We must offer ourselves to this faith daily, and it daily beckons to us. We are asked to give everything in its exchange, although that everything will look very different to my brother than it does to me. That's alright. That's all He's looking for. He looks into every single one of us.


I am learning the importance of diligence and faithfulness. For the sake of my own character and quality as a person, I wish to be faithful in everything I do. I wish to be honest. I wish to be pure - to be who I really say that I am. To follow through and finish. To put others above myself. Basically, to be a real Christian. Not a symbol of virtue, but a symbol of humility. Which means I have to learn to love patiently...which means...I have such a damn long way to go.

Okay, little salmon...keep going. Keep swimming upstream.