Austin Beginnings, Again

I've been writing in journals since I was about 11 years old. The first journal I wrote in, officially, was an actual press-bound blank book provided to me by elementary school in sixth grade. Every Monday my teacher, Mr. Chebultz, wrote a quote on the board for us to copy down. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays we were to write a minimum of four complete sentences about anything. On Fridays, we would write an analysis of Monday's quote.

I've recently begun a project that requires me reading through every single one of my journals. Most of them are spiral bound 3-subject notebooks, the kind you get for school. I used to reserve 2 sections for journaling and the third section was for poetry or songs I was writing. I was meticulous about certain things, like the types of ink-pen I used, ink colors, and particularly about dating every entry. I even went so far as to question which date to write if I was writing past midnight. I didn't really feel like it counted as the next day, even though the astronomical calendar told me it technically was.

Aside from the spiral-bound books (the spirals of which are now, unfortunately, all bent up and tangled), I also have a huge stack of black-and-white composition books, with pictures or collages taped to them. I tried to make the collages fit the overall emotional, spiritual and psychological theme of my life at that time. I started this when I started my twenties.

My notebooks fill a few suitcases or plastic tupperware bins and, after moving 3 times across the country with only what I could fit in a truck, make up about 1/3 of the volume of everything I own. So this project is going to take me a long time, I think.

Today I was deciding which journal to peruse through. I want to go in chronological order, but right now that puts me at Journal #2 - age 13, Eighth Grade. That was a really emotional time for me, and I just wasn't in the mood today for anything heavy. I picked up a random purple-and-white speckled composition book from the top of a pile (I have all these journals in stacks, categorized by certain phases of my life) which had a neat photo of someone planting onions in a clay pot. I recognized that it was one that I had written in after moving to Austin, and when I opened it up I discovered that it was actually from my first summer here in 2008. I had been here for 3 months.

I have been back in Austin after leaving two years ago for about 2 1/2 months, so it struck me as interesting to find my journal from my very first Austin Life Beginnings while I am in my second round of Austin Life Beginnings, again.

I want to share this part of the journal entries from Beginnings #1. It struck a chord with me as it is basically what I am learning again, from a different angle and with a different perspective after graduating college, traveling a bunch, being engaged and un-engaged, returning to Austin and feeling somewhat like I have just come full circle back to the very same place.

Here it is...
August something, 2008 (I'm a bit less neurotic about dates nowadays):

I'm in Austin. I've been here for...3 months? Yes - 3 months and a week. I start school in less than two weeks. I don't even know what to think about that. I'm about to board a train and I have no clue where it is taking me. Actually I've been on it this whole time. I sleepwalked on board, it didn't bother to wait for me to wake up, but now maybe I'm starting to awake from a dream. I've been alone...at times lonely. At other times, comfortable. I feel a huge relief at having made a few folks' acquaintance at Mosaic. I feel relief that a place like Mosaic exists in Austin. I knew it had to, I always felt its pull on me like a magnet and it was just frustrating not knowing where to look...

...I've felt such anonymity these last 3 months. Right now I'm looking out the windows of a coffee shop. It feels like I am in a foreign place, like Jerome or some other cool city I'm just passing through. It hasn't really hit me that I live here...

...I feel so much bliss just sitting here...soaking in the moment. Cool 60s soul rock is on, the light from the windows is soft and diffused against the olive green tones of the wall and couches (it's coming in reflected off the building across the street so it is not direct light, even though it's about high noon, it feels like 10am). Man....I love life...


...I am discovering how I tell the truth - through art and writing and language and teaching....but not just through adopting every tried and true technique anyone has ever come up with for those....through discovering how I write, how I teach, how I communicate and think and articulate. Myself - my personality and thoughts and emotions and uniqueness - cannot be separate from it, if I am to really offer the kaleidoscope of humanity something that can truly reflect or transmit the light of God.

Telling the truth is the real joy. It is the real act of charity, the consummation of real love meant for all mankind. Sharing the truth is sharing this bread - the broken body of love poured out for all men. 

This was what mattered. The vehicle didn't matter. Writing didn't matter, arts didn't matter, in and of themselves. 

Your expertise is important only insofar as it helps the radiance of the truth be seen. Your great discipline and hard work and accomplishment do not have value themselves, they are mere byproducts of the real, secret treasure: faithfulness.

You are now free. You now have permission to become what makes you most truly happy, at peace, and in love. You are now obliged to always, unceasingly be...you.

Back

I am back in Austin.

A lot has changed. I'm taking a new direction in life. Michael and I are no longer together. It's a long story, about a short story - short but full. We are still and will always be good friends. And to all of our mutual friends - yes! I still want to be your friend! That has not changed.

I work for Keith again - it's the best! Keith is the best to work for.

I live with my aunt and uncle again. They are very generous. They're helping me work on getting my uncle's car fixed so I can drive it, but presently I'm car-less and dependent for rides. I'm financially dependent as well since I just make enough money at Keith's for bills and that's about it. I only work 2 days a week, so once the car situation is figured out I'm going to seek further employment.

I've been doing a lot of reading, contemplating, and trying to write. It's hard to wrap my mind around what to write about, because my emotional state is pretty turbulent and raw. I had a hard year in Ohio. I put myself through way too much in too short of a time. I put another person through a lot, too. Well, I won't get into all of that. That's kind of the name of the game in relationships, I'm realizing. I have a really good counselor here and we had our first session this week. I expect lots of positive change to occur in the way I think, and much improvement and growth in how I approach life.

I'd like to go back to school next fall (in a year). I've been gaining a greater sense of confidence about something I've been interested in pursuing for a few years now, career wise, and I am looking into masters programs in Austin. More than anything else I just want to stay in Austin...stay in one place and be settled. It feels like home here. I have a good church community. It's a safe place for me to continue to heal and make new discoveries, and one where I can also have a lot of fun and adventure. I never explored a lot of the cool things that Austin has to offer while I was going to UT, because I "always had to study!" (Friends of mine in Columbus were like, "Seriously? You never even went to SXSW and you lived there?") I rushed through school and took on a lot in order to finish quickly. Life has taught me over the last 2 years that nothing is worth rushing for and missing out on the fun things that are happening this very moment!

I'm discovering how to reconcile myself to my own belief systems, change destructive patterns of though, and heal my mind of its anxieties. My discoveries for how to do this (which is a process I've been in for the last few years) has led me to an interest in studying clinical psychology and being a counselor. I first toyed with this idea when I was in Australia a couple years ago, and during my time in Bellingham I became very interested in Art Therapy. I've just been realizing lately that the topics of human behavior and motivation, consciousness, and the neurological basis for the inner-workings of the mind are pretty much all I ever think about, all the time. Combine that with a desire to teach, heal and mentor young people, along with lots of non-professional experience from working in youth ministry for several years, and it's possible that I have a good chance at being happy making a real vocation out of this). I started seeing a counselor while living in Columbus and realized that I've basically been taking myself through my own sort of version of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for the last 2 years, and have made pretty significant steps in my own personal development. (CBT is only really very effective with a real therapist, though - it's hard to do reality checking against a particular perceptual system (mind/brain) when you only have that one system itself as a reference. It's sort of like trying to see inside your own brain by looking backwards into your own eyes, or waiting for flickers of light from within the Platonic cave).

I've had a lot of inspiration and desire to write, but still fight lack of motivation. I'm (very slowly) working on a technology article for my uncle, and starting to piece together a poetry and photography collection to self-publish through Amazon (a goal I've had for years). I also have an idea for a book and I want to at least have something of a draft started by Christmas. Since I'm writing right now, I'd say I'm not doing too terrible and feel hopeful that I can continue to be more diligent with this task which is very important for my life's fulfillment and happiness.

I'm also interested in studying religion more formally. There are some theological schools in Austin, we'll see what happens. I'm reading my Bible again and being more intentional about prayer, which has brought a lot of satisfaction and energy back into my life. (It's good to have a neighborhood park where I can walk in prayer).

I also have already booked one wedding! This time I will have the help of Brooke who will be assisting / apprenticing in the art of wedding photography, and possibly the help of my aunt who is a trained photographer. I love being able to do weddings and I am so excited I have one scheduled! I get responses every time I renew the ads I've posted on craigslist.

Good things are happening and I am happy to be where I am, and hopeful about the direction I am going.

Thanks for reading!